[Cheers and applause]

Conan O' Brien: That's for you

David Duchovny: I think the people that are doing that think that they are at the Conan Ivory Wayans Show. [making a fist and waving it in the air]

[Laughter]

Conan O' Brien: Were headed that way soon.

David Duchovny: Have you thought that if they mated. You could do a talk show

Conan O' Brien: Me and Keenen. Let's do it.

David Duchovny: Your head atop his body perhaps

Conan O' Brien: Sounds sexy.... [Laughter] Thank you very much for coming. I understand you had a bit of a scare coming out to the show

David Duchovny: On planes.... Well the first thing is that the greatest thing about promoting a movie for Disney is that you get to fly on the Disney plane. Which is great and safe but a little disconcerting when you're about to take off and you hear [covers mouth and imitates Mickey Mouse voice] "Please buckle up your seat belts..."

[Laughter]

Conan O' Brien: .....it doesn't instill confidence....

David Duchovny: ....but then the worst part is when it's like [covers mouth and imitates Mickey Mouse voice] "...we are experiencing turbulence everybody, kiss your ass good bye!"

[Cheers and Applause]

Conan O' Brien: Not a good thing....but it must be....it's a nice plane at least

David Duchovny: It's a great plane everything has the ears on it, there's plenty of things to grab on to. um What happened once when I was traveling from Vancouver to LA they put me in an air bus which is a commercial plane. The pilot asked me to come watch the landing. Which you know you have to say yes because you want him to like you.

Conan O' Brien: You have an interest in him liking you

David Duchovny: You don't want him to crash the plane because he's pissed at you, just to get back at you. So I go up there and we're landing at LAX and all of a sudden 10 feet from the ground I hear this "Retard...Retard..." and I don't know.....and a flashing red light going [makes odd buzzing sound] which I don't like that sound I prefer [tilts head and makes a sound: ding] to me that's like you landed well.

[Laughter]

Conan O' Brien: ....that's a life-affirming sound

David Duchovny: I like the green light and the ding, I don't like the red light and the [makes odd buzzing sound]. [Laughter] So we're landing and we taxi a little while and I say to the guy that I'm a nervous flier and I may have been hallucinating but I think that I was called a retard at one point. during that landing. [Laughter] He said "oh no no no. This plane is made in France and I was landing and we were coming after a big jet so I sped up instead of slowing down and the plan was telling me to retard to 'slow down.' It's true that that's probably the last thing you want to hear as your crashing to the earth." [Laughter] "Ah retard!" And I was thinking, but what about... that was built in France, but what about planes built in New York.... You know it would be like "Yo idiot, you're going to die!"

[Laughter]

Conan O' Brien: You have a little clip for us. I understand it that you're going to show it for us. Can you explain it?

David Duchovny: I play a drug addicted surgeon--can you imagine--

[Laughter]

Conan O' Brien: Is that how he advertises in the paper?

David Duchovny: It's a comedy

Conan O' Brien: Half price--drug addicted surgeon....

David Duchovny: That's right, take your chances... um....who has lost his license to practice medicine ....which I think is kind of unfair and uh

Conan O' Brien: Yeah, what he does in his own time is his own business.

David Duchovny: The AMA is strict that way. I'm sure you could have a drug addiction and could continue to do your job I imagine....

[Laughter]

Conan O' Brien: Oh kidding around.... [Laughter] jokin....just...

David Duchovny: So I hook up with a....

Conan O' Brien: ....it's hot in here.

[Laughter]

David Duchovny: ....a gangster played by Timothy Hutton and I become his personal physician or personal surgeon and I begin to practice medicine outside the law. This clip... I am performing a surgery on Angeline Jolie, I believe in a bar room with a bunch of bikers looking around on a pool table, I'll perform surgery anywhere. ...right on the table. I don't need utensils. I'm calling them utensils because I know about doctoring.

[Laughter]

Conan O' Brien: You've obviously researched the role...using those utensils... [Laughter] with the cutting open thing.

David Duchovny: ....fork, knife, spatula.... [Laughter] so roll the clip.

Conan O' Brien: Clip from Playing God.

[Playing God clip]

[Cheers and Applause]

Conan O' Brien: Who are those people helping you?

David Duchovny: What was that... [applause] uh....[talking to audience] are you doing that cause you mean it or were you told to do that. [turns to CB] Those people who were helping us. Those are guys who threatened to hurt us if we didn't put them in the movie that day.

[Laughter]

Conan O' Brien: That's a good way to get into show business by the way. That's how I got this job. [Laughter] Before we go, I got to ask you about a lot of people don't know about. You were an English major and actually taught english for awhile before you made it big as an actor. Were you always one of those people that you know some people.... we have a guy in our office, he's a head writer who likes to read the dictionary. He likes to read reference books. Were you that level of nerd?

[Laughter]

David Duchovny: No......I.....how do I answer that?

Conan O' Brien: You're completely trapped.

David Duchovny: You've run rings around me. I don't know what to do...no...I got this book in the last couple of years called the American Dictionary of slang and it's a bathroom book you know what I mean by that. It's a great book to read while you're in their for 2 to 5 minutes....

[Laughter]

Conan O' Brien: 2 to 5 minutes....You are my hero now...

[Laughter]

David Duchovny: And his name is Starbuck.... So it's very interesting, you know how they say you can tell what's important to a culture by how many different words they have for it. You know they say the Eskimos have 25 different words for snow so I did my own survey. What do you think that the most important words are to an American...the most important things? More words for two things than any other word in the english language.

[audience says sex]

David Duchovny: Close.

Conan O' Brien: People were saying sex.

David Duchovny: They were just saying that. They weren't even listening to me.

[Laughter]

Conan O' Brien: Whenever there's a pause in the conversation they think about sex. [talking to audience] No....stop that we've got a show to do. [to DD] No....for the two things....Got for the Eskimos the most important things is snow and for the Americans we've got...

David Duchovny: Penis and Money.

Conan O' Brien: Seriously.

David Duchovny: Or money and penis.

Conan O' Brien: The most common sentence for the Eskimos is "I will pay you money to put snow on my penis." That would get you.....that's the most common....

[Laughter]

David Duchovny: No I think the most common Eskimo sentence is "I will pay you money to get snow off my penis."

[Laughter]

Conan O' Brien: Very nicely done. We'll be back to talk to David Duchovny....

[commercial]

Conan O' Brien: We're back everyone. Sitting here with Mr. David Duchovny. The um...people, of course are very excited about The X-Files premiere in November. Is there anything new that you can tell us....

David Duchovny: Well you know I'm not suppose to do this. Chris Carter has sworn me to secrecy but I will say right here right now....I'm gonna break the story.......We're gonna do the first show live.

[Laughter]

David Duchovny: ...and what we're gonna do...it's never been done before....what we're gonna do...if you're acquainted with the show, it usually starts with what we call a teaser which is where a crime happens or a body is found or something mysterious happens....5 or 6 minutes.... a dead body is found...blood...Mulder shows up...Scully shows up...where we're going. We're going to do that live and then we're going to get on a bus to the next location, but we're going to film that. [Laughter] So it's gonna be like 45 minutes of myself and Gillian and the crew driving through Vancouver in the rain. And I think you know I can tell it's gonna be huge.

Conan O' Brien: This is gonna be big... people are gonna love that...... [Cheers and applause] You brought up Vancouver. There's been a lot of controversy. People are saying that you can't stand shooting in Vancouver any more it's too far from home and that you want to move the show from Vancouver. Do you want to talk about that?

David Duchovny: It's just a matter of living there for five years. It's a great city, you know if you like 400 inches of rain a day .... [Laughter] without the benefits of being in a tropical rain forest. It's like being in an ice age rain forest actually. No it's a wonderful city, seriously but I just want to be with my wife...it's an odd thing.

Conan O' Brien: Is it Canada...is it that you have a problem with Canada?

David Duchovny: No. I like Canada. I do. It's just, it's five years of going through customs and I'm tired of the strip searches and the body probes. [Laughter] I'm sore. [Laughter]

Conan O' Brien: I think maybe it was a mistake for you. That you kind of..... you kind of attacked Canada a bit there and I think you upset some people in our audience a bit there.

David Duchovny: Well I didn't mean to attack Canada.

Conan O' Brien: No, you did.... you just kind you went after some people there and you owe some of them an apology.

[shot of the audience: a Canadian Mounty, a hockey player and a bear crying]

Conan O' Brien: I think it was just a mistake. Our audience is really sensitive.

David Duchovny: I'm very sorry if I hurt any body's feelings...

Conan O' Brien: Now when we heard you were coming on the show we were aware....

David Duchovny: I didn't know bears actually cried tears.

[Laughter]

Conan O' Brien: Yes, I'm surprised they have hankies.....which surprised me more.

[shot of bear with tissue]

Conan O' Brien: Oh there it is on the other side of his face.... Now we knew that you were thinking of taking the show somewhere other than Vancouver. We have with us tonight officials from different cities.

David Duchovny: Is that right?

Conan O' Brien: Yeah....who are going to come out here and plead their case to David Duchovny to see if they can lure David Duchovny to taking their show, "The X-Files," to their own capital. First it's only fair to start with Vancouver....

[Here they had a bunch of people come out on stage and make a speech to DD to come to their city. It was very long and DD didn't really talk much so I stopped transcribing here]